Archive for the ‘IVF Journey’ Category

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Babies Everywhere!

Tuesday, March 11th, 2008

Drive up and down any country road and there are baby cows, goats, horses and the like. Sift through my inbox and you’ll see message after message about new babies. As told last month, my best friend had her first. A good couple friend of ours, whom we’ve met through Shelton’s job, had their first two weeks ago (congrats Emily and Brandon!). Add to the list our good camping buddies, Shelton’s brother with #2 and another friend due this fall- BABIES ARE EVERYWHERE!

It’s spring and so everything is fertile and pregnant and birthing. I’m not! But you know what, I’m OK with that. I’m calling this my “whatever phase.” You know, you go through the phases of grief- anger, denial, depression, acceptance. I passed acceptance a long time ago. I’m genuinely comfortable and have come to terms with our situation. It’s the hand that God dealt us and I tell you, he could have dealt far worse. FAR WORSE! So, my whatever phase. There’s not a fiber in my being that doesn’t want to be a mom, have a couple of little short people tearing through my house and watching Shelton forcibly become more comfortable with the human anatomy and all its splendor (and ickiness!). There are days when I look around at the hundreds of diapers people are buying, days without sleep they’ve been deprived, handfuls of advil they’ve taken to silence the headaches- and I think, I’m good! My whatever phase is that today, I’m cool and content and at peace with where I am and not having a baby for now; tomorrow could be another case of wanting.

You know how you can see your spouse and your heart starts racing? Or you smell a delectable meal and your mouth starts watering? I swear that when I hold a new baby my ovaries start throbbing- bom-bom, bom-bom. I think it’s the same reaction I have when I smell Shelton’s cologne. YUM! It’s that feeling, that assures me that whether it’s tomorrow or ten years from now- I do want to have babies and I want to be a mom.

So with spring blooming outside (thank you GOD for that!, the longest winter EVER!), and babies blooming in the tummy of everyone I know it seems- I just wanted to let everyone know that I am OK. I am bursting at the seams happy for every last one of them, and for the moment at least, happy with where Shelton and I are, too.

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Seriously?!

Tuesday, August 21st, 2007

Before I start, I cannot even believe I’m going to open the gates on this subject. I have a level-headed position on the subject- 99.9% of the time. It’s just one of those subjects right up there with politics and religion you shouldn’t discuss in polite conversation. And we here at BOB are all about polite conversation………… ha!

I was on my FSA provider’s Web site tonight looking through eligible expenses. The very first item under eligible expenses- meaning FSA dollars are approved by the US government- Abortion. You can get an abortion and basically have your insurance cover it.

HOWEVER!

Not only do I want to KEEP my baby… and have to go to EXTREME measures to get that baby….. my insurance company won’t have a damn thing to do with me!

AND…. AND… the US government will not acknowledge it either.

I also live in a state where it’s legal to carry a gun… but you can’t use a slot machine or buy beer on Sunday.

Right up there with how many licks… I believe this will go down as one of life’s truly unanswerable questions.

On another note- Do not even waste your breath or the muscles in your fingers sending me nasty emails about abortion.

And another note- IVF expenses are covered under FSA.

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Baby Showers

Wednesday, July 11th, 2007

I have had my fair share of weak moments during our infertile-ness. But for the most part, I manage to keep it together. I get a little sad and queasy when I hear about new babies and people sharing ultrasound photos and telling about the life-altering experiences they’ve shared with their spouse in the delivery room. But ultimately, I don’t come unhinged.

Except at baby showers.

Those are doozies. I don’t know about you, but they kill me. Grab hold of my heart and just wrench. This spring I’ve attended several baby showers (and hosted one) and I’ve had to walk out in the middle of each to cry myself into hysterics. Nothing looks more pathetic than sitting in the middle of a stranger’s bathroom floor with rivers of mascara flowing down your face and wads of toilet paper in your hands because “mommy-to-be” just opened the hand-stitched, monogrammed baby blanket from great grandma.

It of course has nothing to do with the guest of honor and everything to do with my curiosity if those painfully special moments will ever happen for me too? People ask me how I handle it, if I get jealous, if it sucks being at showers… Answers are Quietly/Of course/Sometimes.

What doesn’t bother me, is being around new babies. I could drink up their wonder all day long. But there is something about the atmosphere of a shower that will bring me to my knees.

I love and adore each of the women I have been to a shower for. Our closest friends have been poppin’ out babies all year long – so it gets a little easier with each one. And I’m enjoying the snuggly-wugglies from all of these beautiful little babies.

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Slight Change in Plans

Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

OK, so here goes. We are not going to have a baby this year. This was a decision that was not made easily, as none of this has been easy. Shelton and I shared a lot of tears, deep conversation, prayer and time to decide that this is the best decision right now.

As I’ve shared, and you can probably imagine, last year dealt me the worst I’ve ever seen. By the end of December I was beginning to sink into a bit of depression, I wasn’t sleeping and I felt this overwhelming anxiety. One evening I told Shelton that I just didn’t think it made sense right now to move forward with the IVF. I wanted to wait one or two more years.

Believe me, we want to start a family more than anything. But I made us re-examine the entire picture. I was changing jobs, Shelton is still in school (thanks to his company’s tuition reimbursement), we’re selling the house, and among many other reasons, we didn’t have the full amount needed. With the $6,000 in donations (THANK YOU!!!), $5000 in FSA and a couple thousand from our tax return, we were still going to have to borrow a couple thousand dollars. We just didn’t want to do that. We’d rather continue saving and have cash in hand.

Our only sound reason for continuing this year was our FSA. That is the non-refundable, pre-tax money we were having taken out of our paychecks. We were going to use that entire amount toward the IVF. It’s a use it or lose it plan. We figured we’d just have to buy a lot of glasses, bandaids and Aleve this year to eat that up. The very next day Shelton received a message that due to a mix-up on the FSA company’s part, they were offering an opt-out. So, we were SO FORTUNATE to get out of that and save ourselves that loss. It felt like a little sign from God telling us that we’d made the right decision.

I know we did. A huge weight has been lifted and I’m feeling like myself again. Shelton and I believe whole-heartedly that a year or two from now we’ll be able to walk into that clinic with a check and start our IVF class.

Baby Or Bust is not going anywhere!! I will continue to update you on our progress and share news and information I find. Please know that all of the donations are tucked away safely. We once again thank you for your support, encouragement and for tagging along on our little journey. It has definitely presented more surprises, ups and downs than I think we ever anticipated. I’m so grateful for having this site to use as an outlet for all of it. And I hope that you, whether an infertile couple or not, have gained something as well.

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The Small Things

Monday, January 22nd, 2007

This past weekend, Wichita received its second winter blast in two consecutive weekends. We’ve got about 6-8” of fluffy snow covering our yard. It’s beautiful. All weekend, I just kept telling Shelton I wished I could be 10 again, just long enough to truly enjoy the snow in a way only a kid can. I kept telling him we needed to find some kids to play with so we could enjoy the weather. But it would probably be kind of creepy if we stopped by the neighbor’s and asked to borrow their kids for a while.

We got even luckier, though. I’ve been involved with a mentor program with the same little girl for a year and a half now. We’ll call her Ms. J. We happened to have plans to take her to a college basketball game yesterday afternoon and on the way in noticed a huge hill with plenty of kids enjoying the sledding action. While she enjoyed the game, she kept asking when we could go sledding. Not being at all prepared, Shelton left half way through the game to go procure some sledding materials. He met back up with us with laundry baskets and cardboard boxes. Ms. J then informed us that she had NEVER been sledding in her life. I could not believe it. So for close to an hour this girl flung her self down the hill and dragged herself back up with a grin that could only be described as pure magic. She giggled the entire time and kept wanting to go faster and farther. She even braved the snow ramp that had been build and launched herself airborn.

I just kept thinking that THIS is why we want to have kids. To watch them discover sledding. The way the icy cold blasts your face as you speed down a hill, that on any ordinary day is just a hill. Your pants and coat and gloves get drenched from the snow. And no matter how cold you get, no matter how tough it is to climb back up- it’s so worth it.

This little girl on more than one occasion has reminded me how fantastically fun the most simple things can be. Riding an escalator, going through a drive-thru car wash, having cupcakes at school on your birthday. Each time she beams the most beautiful, brightest smile I’ve ever seen.

I have read ”Dooce“ everyday for probably three years. She is a writer that I truly admire, and best of all makes her living staying at home with her beautiful little girl and telling the world about her life. Last week she posted a video of her 3-year old daughter laughing because she was so blown away by her own reflection in the video camera. This little girl laughs the heartiest laugh for an entire minute and by the end Shelton and I both caught ourselves howling right along with her. And again, I said THIS is why I want to be a mom.

It’s those small, perfect, innocent moments when you see them discover some other part of this big life. I want to be transformed by those as much as all of my friends say they have been.

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Still Here!

Saturday, January 13th, 2007

Hello everybody! I feel like every post I start goes “ sorry it’s been a while.” I HAVE NO EXCUSES. So my goal is to start getting here a lot more frequently, because after all, that is the point!

We had a pretty topsy-turvy, hellacious year last year. But it’s over and gone and we rejoiced naked in the streets. Not really, but we did rejoice. Part of the reason my posts are so few and far between, as I have mentioned previously, is that we’re just in this holding pattern. Nothing is really developing and so I feel like you don’t need to keep reading about all my sappy up and down emotions.

When we started this last year, our target cycle date was February, as in next month, starting our hormones and such this month. That’s not happening. A lot of reasons really, the money isn’t there yet and we don’t want to force that, we’re not under a strict “should have had it done yesterday” timeline like a lot of couples are, and the closer we came to the end of last year, I knew we needed some emotionally boring time for a while. I need my entire mind, body and soul to be in tip-top shape, and I’m getting a lot closer. I also changed jobs at the very end of December, and so a little adjustment time was needed.

But have no fear, we are still planning to do our cycle. In fact, we are scheduled for the February IVF class with our clinic. That gives me the willies because they will teach us how to administer my shots, injections, needles in my skin!!! I know Shelton will be a pro. At this point we’re looking at the April/May cycle, but possibly the July/Aug cycle. This class will really help us make up our minds.

The topic everyone wants to know about- the moolah. Well, we’ve raised an exciting $5836!!! (I’m really behind in updating that page too. I’m so bad!) Unbelievable, and we’re just more grateful than we’ll ever be able to express. So we have close to $4000 of that, because of expenses already incurred. We have our FSAs which I discussed in a previous post. Due to expenses taken out of that for my surgery, we have the full amount of Shelton’s remaining. We expect to get a significant tax return. This leaves us only needing to borrow less than $5,000. It’s getting so close!

This site was never intentioned to be solely about the donations, and we’re so glad that so many people get that. So many of you have reached out and just said thanks for the information, for the candid stories and for stepping out and talking about infertility. That was so important to us. We’re still hopeful that we’ll be able to raise more money that we need and be able to to help out one or ten or one hundred other couples. That would just be the ultimate.

So I’m feeling pretty good these days. More like myself again and that is such a good feeling. Shelton and I are both working all the time and enjoying our time together. We feel like we’re in this weird grey zone between the married without children and impending parenthood. We’re taking advantage of the freedom while we have it, but also looking forward to not having that anymore. It’s an interesting place to be. I know we’ll have more updates more frequently and I will get better about writing.

Thanks to all of you who still stop by to catch-up. Thanks for all the donations. And we wish you all have fabulous 2007!!

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