We just received an E-mail about an our ago from a couple in Canada who is going through a similar situation. They have asked for help and we are happy to oblige. They have already gone through the IVF process once successfully, but unfortunately lost the pregnancy. Their next attempt is coming up in October and she is having a hard time finding the means. We have agreed to donate all internet donations made on Saturday, July 15th to them.
We have asked for proof of her situation and upon receipt and verification we will begin to share the love. Now, if this cannot be accommodated, then all funds will go back into the BabyorBust fund.
BabyorBust was founded on the idea that we could open people’s eyes to IVF and the expense and emotion that it brings with it. Our hope at the end is to continue accepting donations, along with any additional funds left over, in order to offer grants to other couples facing infertility. We look forward to helping so many more couples- and thank you for the overwhelming support we’ve received so far.
Together, we’re all going to make a huge difference.
At the beginning of our little adventure in infertility, we kept it pretty hush. Our parents knew, siblings, a few friends- that was pretty much it. We didn’t want to talk about it until we were clear where we were and where we were headed. Saves time that way.
In April, shortly after our first visit with Dr. T, we went to Barnes & Noble one evening. We enjoy spending a few hours, drinking coffee and pouring over books and magazines and enjoying the quiet. Shelton made his way to the “Geek” section (computers), I started to head toward the People Magazine. Then I realized that I could make better use of the time that night and went over to the pregnancy section. That seemed like a likely place to find books about trying to have a baby.
And there were plenty of books on how to make one, keep one, raise one, love one, even name one; but no books on infertility and IVF. A cute young couple was standing next to me. I had to assume they were pregnant because she wasn’t showing and I couldn’t imagine any other way you’d get a twenty-something guy into the pregnancy books section.
He wandered away and I asked her how far along she was. She replied about 4 weeks, they had just found out a few days before. She was positively glowing, so excited. She then asked me the same. And I immediately replied, oh, we can’t, we have to do IVF. We smiled nicely at one another and I moved on, since none of those happy, little preggers books applied to me.
I went to customer service and I was lead to the infertility section- a 2’ space at the very bottom of a shelf in the back. Of course, one more place to bury and hide it away. I sat cross-legged on the floor and looked over my options. Two books caught my eye and I read a little, cried a little, by myself, in the back of the B&N. I bought those books and they are listed under the “About IVF.” I highly recommend A Few Good Eggs, I couldn’t read it fast enough.
So that was the first time I had to say it to a stranger. The sentence kind of came out in slow motion as I looked at this overjoyed woman, my age, thrilled to pieces to be buying What to Expect. Lucky her.. I wonder if she knows just how lucky she really is.
The site went live a week ago today and we’re simply overwhelmed. The responses, support and donations are far exceeding what we ever expected at this point. The biggest thank you to each of you who have visited, shared the site and to those who have donated.
We passed that initial scare and now we’re thinking that this might really work. So again, thank you- thank you!
Less than 30 of you have done what we had anticipated 1000 would do- your generosity is so deeply appreciated.
Please continue to pass along our link and share the site wherever you can. We’ve still got a long way to go- but with each of you by our side we’re confident we’ll get there.
Something we discussed very early on and is often the subject of many questions we’re asked is adoption. It’s something I’d never really given much thought to, but the second we learned of our infertility it immediately showed up on my radar.
Early on we agreed if we aren’t able to have children of our own, we will definitely pursue adoption. Our families have been on the giving and receiving sides of adoption- so it’s not something we’re unfamiliar with. And we’ve seen first hand the joy and love that these babies bring to their new parents, and vice versa.
Shelton and I talked on the way home from that visit where we learned that we’d have to do IVF and he asked me why would we even pursue this, why not just go straight for adoption. But I knew we had to give our baby a chance. I know somewhere out there our baby is waiting for us- and I have to do everything within my power to get it here. And if we’ve exhausted that possibility, look out adoption- here we come.
I do have a greater respect for people who have both given their babies for adoption and those who have brought them home as their own. I’m beginning to learn that is one of the most loving and selfless acts a person can do. But like I said, I’m just not ready to give up on the possibility of little Brandi/Shelton baby. The odds are stacked in our favor for the best outcome with IVF and we’re hanging on to that hope. Right now, it’s all we’ve got.
Thank you to everyone who has written to us with this question. We hope this will help answer that question.
Please see the FAQ section to see what we’ve written about this subject.
We definitely have a lot of ground to cover. I really regret not journaling all of the events of the past six months and having them stockpiled for the site. But I didn’t.
While Shelton and I have now reached a point where more days are spent laughing and joking about the situation we’re in than not, the first few weeks were probably some of the darkest I’ve ever experienced. If that is what depression feels like, I want no part of that, thank you very much.
There were a lot of unanswered questions at the beginning- the biggest of which was if we’d even be able to have children. My request for a puppy increased daily! There were a lot of nights spent in a completely dark house, no dinner- just sitting together silently, crying, talking. Neither of us knew how to make the other feel better.
When we’d finally gotten the “diagnosis” and referred to the fertility specialist, Dr. T, it was another 6 weeks before we’d have any finality to these questions. I finally told Shelton I was done crying about it. There was nothing we could do and we’re just making it worse for ourselves. We kept telling each other we were so sorry- and I said no more apologies. It wasn’t like one of us had done this on purpose. It’s nature… and she is a bitch sometimes! At that point we were still under the belief that we’d do artificial and be done with it. We had no idea IVF was the way.
Following that first appointment we set out to build this site and I dumped all of my energy into that. I soon realized that I wasn’t sleeping, my body was aching all the time, I was probably eating more than I should and I had not cried. When I was called out at work for not caring anymore I kind of woke up from my haze. I love my work and I wear that on my sleeve and if that was suffering then I needed to kick myself in the ass. I apparently also where every ounce of my emotions on my sleeve.
So I figured it out- I hadn’t given this infertility situation the proper attention it needed. In a sense, there was a mourning process that needed to occur and I wasn’t letting that happen. As part of that, not crying was huge for me. I cry every time Ty gets the keys on Extreme Home Makeover. But not being able to conceive my babies- that left me completely dry.
Finally, Mother’s Day came around. We spent the afternoon with my family- my mom, aunts and grandmother. All of us celebrating the amazing things they had done for each of us. And I wanted that so badly. I wanted to be holding my baby and soaking up the fact that I too had joined this elite club of moms.
Shelton and I had driven separately that day. I no sooner left my aunt’s neighborhood and I just practically collapsed behind the steering wheel. The tears came so suddenly and with such force. I probably should have pulled over. But nothing beats a good cry at 65 on the highway… right girls? I bawled the entire way home and I thanked God for finally letting it happen. It felt so good, refreshing.
I woke up the next day and it felt as though the air had cleared and I could now approach this with a clear head and do what needed to be done. I haven’t cried since then, but I haven’t needed to.
Not to say there haven’t been bad days since… and I know there are plenty ahead. But for now, I’ve made a “little” peace with the situation and I’ve said you are not going to take me down with you.