We definitely have a lot of ground to cover. I really regret not journaling all of the events of the past six months and having them stockpiled for the site. But I didn’t.
While Shelton and I have now reached a point where more days are spent laughing and joking about the situation we’re in than not, the first few weeks were probably some of the darkest I’ve ever experienced. If that is what depression feels like, I want no part of that, thank you very much.
There were a lot of unanswered questions at the beginning- the biggest of which was if we’d even be able to have children. My request for a puppy increased daily! There were a lot of nights spent in a completely dark house, no dinner- just sitting together silently, crying, talking. Neither of us knew how to make the other feel better.
When we’d finally gotten the “diagnosis” and referred to the fertility specialist, Dr. T, it was another 6 weeks before we’d have any finality to these questions. I finally told Shelton I was done crying about it. There was nothing we could do and we’re just making it worse for ourselves. We kept telling each other we were so sorry- and I said no more apologies. It wasn’t like one of us had done this on purpose. It’s nature… and she is a bitch sometimes! At that point we were still under the belief that we’d do artificial and be done with it. We had no idea IVF was the way.
Following that first appointment we set out to build this site and I dumped all of my energy into that. I soon realized that I wasn’t sleeping, my body was aching all the time, I was probably eating more than I should and I had not cried. When I was called out at work for not caring anymore I kind of woke up from my haze. I love my work and I wear that on my sleeve and if that was suffering then I needed to kick myself in the ass. I apparently also where every ounce of my emotions on my sleeve.
So I figured it out- I hadn’t given this infertility situation the proper attention it needed. In a sense, there was a mourning process that needed to occur and I wasn’t letting that happen. As part of that, not crying was huge for me. I cry every time Ty gets the keys on Extreme Home Makeover. But not being able to conceive my babies- that left me completely dry.
Finally, Mother’s Day came around. We spent the afternoon with my family- my mom, aunts and grandmother. All of us celebrating the amazing things they had done for each of us. And I wanted that so badly. I wanted to be holding my baby and soaking up the fact that I too had joined this elite club of moms.
Shelton and I had driven separately that day. I no sooner left my aunt’s neighborhood and I just practically collapsed behind the steering wheel. The tears came so suddenly and with such force. I probably should have pulled over. But nothing beats a good cry at 65 on the highway… right girls? I bawled the entire way home and I thanked God for finally letting it happen. It felt so good, refreshing.
I woke up the next day and it felt as though the air had cleared and I could now approach this with a clear head and do what needed to be done. I haven’t cried since then, but I haven’t needed to.
Not to say there haven’t been bad days since… and I know there are plenty ahead. But for now, I’ve made a “little” peace with the situation and I’ve said you are not going to take me down with you.