Posts Tagged ‘IVF’

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

False Hope

Monday, March 24th, 2008

I forgot to tell you…

In January I was experiencing tremendous abdominal pain. Immediately I thought, “here we go again!”. I wasn’t at all interested in another surgery for these friggin’ cysts. I rode it out a couple of days, but the pain was different, excruciating, but different. It was tucked up under my rib cage- it hurt to sit, walk, lie down, breathe, cough, on my side, standing- it just hurt.

Finally, Shelton insisted I make an appointment with the doctor. Our family doc, Dr. H, wasn’t available that day so I saw his P.A. I had never met this P.A., but he was likable right away. I explained the agony, my med history and my personal hypothesis for the problem. He asked if I could be pregnant. I laughed. He looked amused. I explained that unless God himself planted a baby in my womb that there was no way I was with child. Again, he looked curious. I explained. He thought my pain could be a few things, but wanted to rule out pregnancy for sure. I said why not.

It’s funny because the night before I was joking with Shelton- “what if I go in tomorrow and they tell me I’m pregnant?”. He told me he’d have a paternity test. (Insert lots of laughing)

So I took the pregnancy test and a bunch of other lab work. And then I sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes. Suddenly my brain went to this strange little world of What If. “What if I’m pregnant? Is it possible? It’s possible. People tell me all the time stranger things have happened. Maybe one snuck through? I’m pregnant! Holy crap, how cool would it be to leave here and tell Shelton that I’m actually pregnant?” These hopeful, silent little ramblings went on inside my head until the nurse (the scary one) called my name to return. He told me I wasn’t pregnant.

Really? I do not have a medical degree and I could have/did tell/told you that. But thanks for the past 15 minutes and the swarm of butterflies that have taken flight in my digestive region. I guess we saved a few hundred dollars on a paternity test.

Nothing was wrong with me- the pain went away… by the way.

Tags: , ,
Posted in IVF Journey, Pregnancy | Comments Off on False Hope

Baby Showers

Wednesday, July 11th, 2007

I have had my fair share of weak moments during our infertile-ness. But for the most part, I manage to keep it together. I get a little sad and queasy when I hear about new babies and people sharing ultrasound photos and telling about the life-altering experiences they’ve shared with their spouse in the delivery room. But ultimately, I don’t come unhinged.

Except at baby showers.

Those are doozies. I don’t know about you, but they kill me. Grab hold of my heart and just wrench. This spring I’ve attended several baby showers (and hosted one) and I’ve had to walk out in the middle of each to cry myself into hysterics. Nothing looks more pathetic than sitting in the middle of a stranger’s bathroom floor with rivers of mascara flowing down your face and wads of toilet paper in your hands because “mommy-to-be” just opened the hand-stitched, monogrammed baby blanket from great grandma.

It of course has nothing to do with the guest of honor and everything to do with my curiosity if those painfully special moments will ever happen for me too? People ask me how I handle it, if I get jealous, if it sucks being at showers… Answers are Quietly/Of course/Sometimes.

What doesn’t bother me, is being around new babies. I could drink up their wonder all day long. But there is something about the atmosphere of a shower that will bring me to my knees.

I love and adore each of the women I have been to a shower for. Our closest friends have been poppin’ out babies all year long – so it gets a little easier with each one. And I’m enjoying the snuggly-wugglies from all of these beautiful little babies.

Tags:
Posted in IVF Journey | Comments Off on Baby Showers

Slight Change in Plans

Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

OK, so here goes. We are not going to have a baby this year. This was a decision that was not made easily, as none of this has been easy. Shelton and I shared a lot of tears, deep conversation, prayer and time to decide that this is the best decision right now.

As I’ve shared, and you can probably imagine, last year dealt me the worst I’ve ever seen. By the end of December I was beginning to sink into a bit of depression, I wasn’t sleeping and I felt this overwhelming anxiety. One evening I told Shelton that I just didn’t think it made sense right now to move forward with the IVF. I wanted to wait one or two more years.

Believe me, we want to start a family more than anything. But I made us re-examine the entire picture. I was changing jobs, Shelton is still in school (thanks to his company’s tuition reimbursement), we’re selling the house, and among many other reasons, we didn’t have the full amount needed. With the $6,000 in donations (THANK YOU!!!), $5000 in FSA and a couple thousand from our tax return, we were still going to have to borrow a couple thousand dollars. We just didn’t want to do that. We’d rather continue saving and have cash in hand.

Our only sound reason for continuing this year was our FSA. That is the non-refundable, pre-tax money we were having taken out of our paychecks. We were going to use that entire amount toward the IVF. It’s a use it or lose it plan. We figured we’d just have to buy a lot of glasses, bandaids and Aleve this year to eat that up. The very next day Shelton received a message that due to a mix-up on the FSA company’s part, they were offering an opt-out. So, we were SO FORTUNATE to get out of that and save ourselves that loss. It felt like a little sign from God telling us that we’d made the right decision.

I know we did. A huge weight has been lifted and I’m feeling like myself again. Shelton and I believe whole-heartedly that a year or two from now we’ll be able to walk into that clinic with a check and start our IVF class.

Baby Or Bust is not going anywhere!! I will continue to update you on our progress and share news and information I find. Please know that all of the donations are tucked away safely. We once again thank you for your support, encouragement and for tagging along on our little journey. It has definitely presented more surprises, ups and downs than I think we ever anticipated. I’m so grateful for having this site to use as an outlet for all of it. And I hope that you, whether an infertile couple or not, have gained something as well.

Tags: , , ,
Posted in IVF Journey | Comments Off on Slight Change in Plans

Still Here!

Saturday, January 13th, 2007

Hello everybody! I feel like every post I start goes “ sorry it’s been a while.” I HAVE NO EXCUSES. So my goal is to start getting here a lot more frequently, because after all, that is the point!

We had a pretty topsy-turvy, hellacious year last year. But it’s over and gone and we rejoiced naked in the streets. Not really, but we did rejoice. Part of the reason my posts are so few and far between, as I have mentioned previously, is that we’re just in this holding pattern. Nothing is really developing and so I feel like you don’t need to keep reading about all my sappy up and down emotions.

When we started this last year, our target cycle date was February, as in next month, starting our hormones and such this month. That’s not happening. A lot of reasons really, the money isn’t there yet and we don’t want to force that, we’re not under a strict “should have had it done yesterday” timeline like a lot of couples are, and the closer we came to the end of last year, I knew we needed some emotionally boring time for a while. I need my entire mind, body and soul to be in tip-top shape, and I’m getting a lot closer. I also changed jobs at the very end of December, and so a little adjustment time was needed.

But have no fear, we are still planning to do our cycle. In fact, we are scheduled for the February IVF class with our clinic. That gives me the willies because they will teach us how to administer my shots, injections, needles in my skin!!! I know Shelton will be a pro. At this point we’re looking at the April/May cycle, but possibly the July/Aug cycle. This class will really help us make up our minds.

The topic everyone wants to know about- the moolah. Well, we’ve raised an exciting $5836!!! (I’m really behind in updating that page too. I’m so bad!) Unbelievable, and we’re just more grateful than we’ll ever be able to express. So we have close to $4000 of that, because of expenses already incurred. We have our FSAs which I discussed in a previous post. Due to expenses taken out of that for my surgery, we have the full amount of Shelton’s remaining. We expect to get a significant tax return. This leaves us only needing to borrow less than $5,000. It’s getting so close!

This site was never intentioned to be solely about the donations, and we’re so glad that so many people get that. So many of you have reached out and just said thanks for the information, for the candid stories and for stepping out and talking about infertility. That was so important to us. We’re still hopeful that we’ll be able to raise more money that we need and be able to to help out one or ten or one hundred other couples. That would just be the ultimate.

So I’m feeling pretty good these days. More like myself again and that is such a good feeling. Shelton and I are both working all the time and enjoying our time together. We feel like we’re in this weird grey zone between the married without children and impending parenthood. We’re taking advantage of the freedom while we have it, but also looking forward to not having that anymore. It’s an interesting place to be. I know we’ll have more updates more frequently and I will get better about writing.

Thanks to all of you who still stop by to catch-up. Thanks for all the donations. And we wish you all have fabulous 2007!!

Tags: , ,
Posted in IVF Journey | Comments Off on Still Here!

One Year Later

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

A couple of days after Christmas will mark one year since Shelton and I found out we were not going to be able to have a baby without the assistance of IVF. One whole year. It’s so small and yet it feels like a lifetime. I can remember the Christmas before that, in 2004, telling family over the phone that by the next Christmas I’d have a huge belly to celebrate with. We’re now approaching one more Christmas and while my belly might be a little bigger, it’s not for the right reason at all.

The past few days I’ve been feeling really down again and I haven’t been this sad since we first started. I think it’s a culmination of so many things, but this constant desire to be a mom never fades and makes it so easy for me to slip back.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love the cold and the lights, the food and giving gifts, I love Christmas cards, I love how it brings people together. And I just can’t get into it this year. Christmas is less than three weeks away and I have not put the tree up and at this point I don’t plan to. For the first time in five years there are no lights on my house. I did get all of our cards out. And while there are so many reasons that are making this season tougher than most, but I think a lot of it comes back to our infertility.

I get the biggest joy out of giving gifts. And it’s not the material item wrapped up, it’s the joy that person shows when they receive the gift. But this year, there are no gifts. Shelton and had a long, hard discussion months ago and decided that we just couldn’t afford to sacrifice a Christmas budget this year. Probably for the better because I usually go overboard!! We also asked that we not receive any gifts this Christmas- we figured we already have so much, the one thing we want is a baby, and they could donate the money they would have spent on a sweater or picture frame.

Our family was blessed with the arrival of another new member this week… a little girl. She is beautiful and went home to the most AMAZING people who will make AMAZING parents. I can’t help but be so jealous of the excitement that is in their lives right now, and that they will experience on Christmas morning.

We’ve invited all of the family to our house for Christmas dinner and hosting them here will be both our gift from them and to them. And I’m going to get all the joy I can from that, and thank God for the many blessings I do have, and not the ones I feel I’m lacking.

Tags:
Posted in IVF Journey | Comments Off on One Year Later

Being Thankful

Saturday, November 25th, 2006

We’re wrapping up Thanksgiving weekend in Oklahoma City, where we spent the holiday with Shelton’s clan. As usual it was a jam-packed house with more food than one could possibly consume, but somehow we managed.

We did not split the holiday between our two families this year as we usually do. I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, but as the weekend progresses I’m missing them more and more. I get everyone for Christmas though, so we can wait a few more weeks.

One thing that is very different from my family and Shelton’s is that before we eat, we all go around the table and say what we’re thankful for. I didn’t get that opportunity this year.

During what has quite possibly been the worst, most trying, stressful and challenging year of my life, I’m so happy that I can still smile and have a list of thanks a mile long.

I’m thankful for my incredible husband and the bajillion ways he makes me smile, laugh, feel beautiful and wake up every morning. I’m thankful for the two great jobs we have. I’m thankful for the amazing families and friends we have who have surrounded and showered us with love and support this year. I’m thankful that we ultimately have perfect health. I’m thankful for the thousands of people who have visited Baby or Bust and reached out to us either by email or donation. I’ve never known that perfect strangers could be so generous. The support from all of you has been so appreciated.

This year has not treated us kindly. We started the year learning about our infertility and every single day I’m still working through that and what it means and how it affects our lives on so many levels. It gets easier, but it never goes away. And then this fall my parents divorced. It was quick, but not entirely painless. And while the situation is better now and I think it is for the best, it’s still difficult to deal with. I’m thankful that my parents have made this an amicable split and remain friends. I’ve never been through a divorce of any kind before, so I’m learning as I go.

I’m very ready for this year to end. Hopefully when the clock strikes midnight on the 31st next month, it will box up all the crap that has happened this year and let us start fresh and new. When the clock hits midnight, Shelton and I will celebrate six years since we started dating, and that’s pretty exciting! I’m tired of my heart feeling so sad and I’m ready to get out of this funk I’ve been in and keep pretending isn’t there. That’s my own fault though. I think I’d be a puddle somewhere by now if it hadn’t been for all the wonderful blessings in our lives, many of which I listed above. In the face of all the bad, I’m so glad I can look around and see myself surrounded by so much good.

Thank God for that.

Tags: ,
Posted in IVF Journey, Koskie Life | Comments Off on Being Thankful

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »