Shelton & Brandi

Hello! We're Brandi & Shelton Koskie. Since 2006 we’ve been one of the many couples on the In Vitro Fertilization journey. We were the first IVF fundraiser blog, and thanks to the generous help of many, in we had our first successful IVF attempt. Nine months later, we had a beautiful girl, Paisley. You’re invited to follow along on our journey from infertility to parenthood.  Learn more

IVF Shots Days Two and Three

I’ve had a lot of people ask me almost hesitantly the last few days “How are you doing?” And I’m thrilled to be able to respond “Fine!” So far I haven’t noticed side effects from the Lupron. Feels like any other day of the week. Except I have to wake up at 7:30am… which is NOT typical.

Shots are much easier than I anticipated. Only because I’m such a needle phobe that you might as well be running a drill press through my abdomen. But instead, it’s really quite nothing.

That was until this morning. I had to go to OKC for the funeral of our friend Anna. Yesterday as I packed I grabbed a needle, the Lupron and an alcohol swab. As Shelton is still recovering from his MESA surgery he stayed home. This meant I’d have to administer the shot myself. I joked with a few friends last night that they were welcome to come over this morning and “juice” me. No takers though. Fair enough, I can’t say I’d have volunteered for that either.

At 7:30 this morning the alarm went off and I went to the bathroom with my supplies. I knew if I let myself think about it that I’d completely panic, and then what? So I just cleaned the Lupron cap, cleaned my tummy, and injected the needle. For a split second as I watched the needle go in (something I NEVER EVER do) I had this OH-MY-WHAT-IN-GODS-NAME-ARE-YOU-DOING moment. But alas, the needle slid right back out and I went back to bed.

I’m trying to decide what kind of design I want to make on my stomach. So far I’ve got three tiny little pink dots that could be the start of so many things. A constellation. A flower. My initials. Maybe we’ll connect the dots at the end and see what we come up with!

I do have to say a very huge thank you to friends, family and our readers. We’ve received tons of texts, tweets, facebook messages, emails and even, if you can imagine, face-to-face conversation offering prayers, encouragement and simply asking how we’re doing. It really means a lot and helps to know that we have so many cheerleaders and supporters out there.

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Written by Brandi and posted under IVF Journey and Koskie Life

IVF Shots Day One

It was kind of like Christmas Eve over here last night. Except really tense and instead of a stocking full of candy and new socks I was going to get needles. So maybe not like Christmas Eve at all. The anticipation of starting shots today and having Shelton’s surgery today was a bit overwhelming. I felt like I was a bit short with Shelton all night, but maybe that’s something we’d better get used to for the next few weeks!

We went to bed at 11 and I knew the second I got in that I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. I grabbed my laptop and worked until 1:30 this morning. And I only stopped because my battery was dead. Attempt to sleep or go get my cord? I chose silent in the dark.

At 6:30 the alarm went off like it does every morning and I just cringed. I’ve never wanted to not get out of bed more than I did this morning. I didn’t want Shelton to have to go through the surgery today and I did not want him poking me with a needle. But we got up and I grabbed the supplies. This is what you call sucking it up. Putting on your big girl panties. Dealing.

I stood next to Shelton at the sink where he used the alcohol swab to clean the top of the Lupron bottle. Tore open the needle package. He drew in the medicine and then told me to go lie down. And the stress and anxiety of the moment just blew in like a hot, humid breeze.

I was like “WHAT?! I DO NOT WANT TO GET IN BED! I WANT TO STAND RIGHT HERE!”

And he’s all “It’s a weird angle. I want you to be comfortable. I don’t want to mess this up.”

And I’m like “NO!!”

But I did. I lied on my back and as soon as my head hit the pillow tears just started streaming down my face. And for no particular reason. So I braced myself for agonizing pain, Shelton swabbed my tummy, pinched some skin and dropped the needle in. Effortlessly. He did a great job. I barely felt a pinch and the cotton ball and bandaid I’d made readily available weren’t even necessary. I’ve had mosquito bites that looked worse.

I feel nothing today, as far as any weird Lupron affect. Which is good because I do not have time to deal w/ that right now.

At about 9am we headed to the surgery center (which is next door to our clinic) so that Shelton could do his MESA procedure. (Getting the sperm.) The short and sweet is that he had it, took a little longer than expected, but overall went well. He’s in a bit of pain, but resting comfortably at home. Will share a separate post as soon as some of the details are final.

Tonight, I see early bed times for both us. Shot day two tomorrow.

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Written by Brandi and posted under IVF Journey

Remembering Anna

Three years ago this month we launched Baby Or Bust. A launch that quite honestly wouldn’t have occurred without the help of Jeremy. He brought this site to life and exceeded our imaginations. He wasn’t alone in his support though. Our friends rallied around us from day one and have yet to relinquish that support.

One of those supporters was Anna.

See, we have this incredible group of friends from college. The type of friends you hope you’ll be lucky to find. Amongst that group is Jonathan. It was in our last year or two of college, and I hadn’t known Jonathan long, when I was introduced to Anna. And Jonathan and Anna hadn’t been dating long either.

In the early days of Baby Or Bust, Anna’s letter was one of the first we received. Don’t ask me why, and it’s always been this way, but I so vividly remember Anna’s letter. We received so much mail, but no single piece stands out in my mind the way Anna’s does. Inside was a donation along with a note that read “From one infertile woman to another.”

I think it was truly the first time I recognized that clearly other people go through this, but someone else close to us would have to as well.

Right around the time I met Anna she was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer. An unbelievable diagnosis for anyone, and a shocking one for someone our age. For someone we knew. That’s the kind of thing that always happens to other people.

It never seemed like it “happened” to Anna though. Anna was never one of those people who you felt sorry for.

I can’t ever remember a time when you couldn’t think of Anna as having this amazing energy, optimism, strength and kindness. That last one stands out the most to me, kind, generous and such a gentle soul.

I shared online last night that Anna truly taught us what it means to be strong, and what it means to live. Since her diagnosis she completed her bachelor’s degree, went on to OU Law and graduated, passed the bar exam, practiced law, married the love of her life and bought a home. That feels like more than people do in an entire lifetime, and she did it all in her 20s.

Anna fought the cancer with every ounce her body and mind had to give. She never took it lying down and never made it seem like this was impossible. I think that’s why so many of us were hit so hard by the news early last week that this race wouldn’t end the way we wanted it to.

Last night we learned that Anna had left us. But only in the physical. I don’t know that Anna will ever leave any of us lucky enough to have known her.

Written by Brandi and posted under Koskie Life

IVF Begins in 39 Hours

Say what?! This is our last weekend. Last weekend not IVFing. Last weekend not pregnant. Last weekend not as parents. Part of me screams YAY!! and the other part is like – have we really given this some thought?

Tonight Shelton and I are going to pull all of the needles and drugs out, the handbook from the clinic and make sure that we understand everything. Or that at least for the first Lupron shot on Tuesday morning we understand.

I’m going to call “M” tomorrow, our IVF coordinator, to see if I can stop by for a minute. I just want to have a last minute dress rehearsal to make sure we’ve got this.

I also need to inquire about the amount of Lupron we received. I have a bag with dozens of needles in it, but only one bottle with 2mg of Lupron. I also feel like an idiot because it says to take 5 iu of Lupron …. but I don’t know how much that is and my needles start at 10 of something. So, going to check in to that.

Shelton and I are also supposed to make our final payment of $9200 to the clinic tomorrow, so we have to sit down tonight and shuffle some things around. An unexpected car bill of almost $3,000 last week is kind of throwing a wrench into things. But we’ll figure it out, right?

I’ve reached out to a few former IVF/infertility friends. Each of whom used our clinic and each have cutie patootie babies now and war stories to prove it. I just want to know what to expect. I’m being told I’ll lose my mind with the Lupron. That I won’t know how bad it is until later, when Shelton can safely recount the events that unfolded. And most importantly that we should talk. Talk now. Talk during. Just communicate with one another. So we’re doing that now. Talking. On my best days I’m impatient, stubborn and “always right.” On his best days Shelton is two of those three things. I accept Shelton’s annoyance with this and more times than not apologize. I told Shelton that I’m not going to use the drugs as an excuse, but if I seem irrational or cry because he put the toilet paper on the holder the wrong way (and YES there IS a right and wrong way to do that) – then he can’t hold it against me.

During the next few weeks as we go through the IVF my plan is to post here each day. As promised I want to capture and share this entire IVF experience with all of you … some of whom have been waiting three long years for this, too! I’ve warned family and friends not to get too concerned if they receive bizarre text messages from me. Odds are it’s the drugs talking and I’m not hiding alone in a closet somewhere holding the dog for ransom.

Folks, it’s getting very, very close. I welcome you along for the ride and make no guarantees or promises about what you’re going to see and hear here. What I do promise is honesty, regular updates and a frankness that will make most of us blush.

Houston, lift-off in T-minus 39 hours…

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Written by Brandi and posted under IVF Journey

Watermelon for Fertility

If the BBT readings, ovulation calendars and plain old fashioned sex aren’t doing the trick – eat some watermelon! You might need the refreshment if you haven’t, um, come up for air in a while.

Plus, a new study suggests that the rich lycopene source that is watermelon may improve sperm concentration and motility.

More on watermelon for fertility at Diets In Review.

Written by Brandi and posted under IVF and Infertility News

Big Ball of IVF Nerves

OH MY GOD! We officially start IVF a week from tomorrow. Eight days! I’m really starting to feel it. And when people ask how I’m doing, I’m starting to feel this wall come up. Imagine me not wanting to talk about it. I’m shutting down a bit, which isn’t good. When people ask questions I just want to recant with “Don’t you read the blog?! All the answers are there!” My dear best friend told me that she reads the blog, but she’d rather talk to me and have a conversation about it. Fair. I probably need that as much as she does. I hate feeling like this. The reality is seriously sinking in and I’m start to freak a bit. I told my best friend last night that I just don’t see the earlier part of next week being a good week. Between Shelton’s surgery and my first shot of Lupron (both taking place July 14), I feel like I might just lose my mind a bit. Oh, and let’s not forget that my baby sister is due any minute now. That surely won’t affect me!

I’m ready. I’m ready to do this. I’m ready to be pregnant, have the baby, lose my ass, and never sleep again. But I don’t like not having control, or knowing what’s next. And I feel like the next few weeks/months is going to be a steady stream of no control.

image And call me cheesy and hopelessly romantic, but I feel like it’s the end of an era. The end of the Shelton and Brandi that I know. The past eight years of my life with him have been incredible and easily the best eight I’ve yet lived. I love “us” and who we as a couple are. I love our lifestyle. More than anything this isn’t what I’m ready to let go of. While part of me doesn’t want to share “this,” there’s another part that knows that our baby can only make “this” better and stronger. While we sat together watching fireworks Saturday night, Shelton leaned over and said this will be the last 4th of July that we’re not parents. And I was just smacked with this wave realizing how right he is. I just keep singing the Dave Matthews Band song “You & Me” from their new album Groo Grux King: “you and me together can do anything baby.” I feel like I have to just keep repeating those words to myself. We can do this. We’ve faced challenges before, we’ll face them again. This could very well be the biggest yet, but we’re going to come through it just fine.

My feelings and emotions right now are all over the place. I’m feeling grumpy, tired and scattered. The right Snuggle bear commercial could send me into a crying mess. I feel like now more than ever I have to prove myself personally and professionally – for real, I can do all of this. And what if I’m not Wonder Woman, who am I going to let down? The most crushing would be to let down myself, but I don’t take that lightly no matter who’s on the receiving end of that.

For the first time since April Shelton and I do not have any plans this upcoming weekend. I plan on keeping it that way. I want this weekend to be a calm before the storm. I want to enjoy all the things that we love doing together really soak it in. I want us to both go in to next week rested, relaxed, and as calm as humanly possible, knowing that together, we can do anything.

Written by Brandi and posted under IVF Journey