Author Archive

A Worthwhile Cry

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Since all I ever do anymore is cry, I figure, why not go looking for reasons? I had two all-out, breakdown, hysterical sob fests yesterday. Why? Couldn’t even tell you now. Not a clue. I know that the tear stains on my glasses are probably never coming off.

Dear God, it’s me, Brandi, can I PLEASE have my hormones back?!

In any event, I was all of a sentence-and-a-half into this article when I started crying, because I could feel where it was going and it was already too much for my estrogen. It’s a wonderful must-read story about friendship and surrogacy. Everyone she have a friend like this.

Best Friends Forever at ConceiveOnline.com

Pregnancy Week 31

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

I suppose I owe you nice folks a weekly update, don’t I? Sheesh! I am just swimming at work and can’t seem to find time to take a deep breath. So I’m going to squeeze this in. This is about all the “squeezing” I can afford because nothing on my body squeezes anymore. It stretches. How do I know? Oh – I found stretch marks this past week! UGH! Shoot me. Please spare me the cocoa butter propaganda. I’ve tried two different brands and it smells so horrible that I cannot put it on my body. It’s like walking around smelling like a Hershey bar or something. So, I guess this is my fate. Stretch mark mama. Maybe I’ll get some new tattoos to cover them up.

From what I can remember, and that’s very little these days, last week was more or less OK. I’m feeling very first-trimester again in that no amount of sleep is good enough. 10 hours? Not enough. 12 hours? Not enough. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

One of the big changes I’ve noticed is the baby’s weight. I can actually feel how heavy she is in my abdomen, which is interesting. She’s heavy! And speaking of abdomen, it continues to grow outward instead of to the sides, so that’s a plus. She’s still just as active as ever, kicking and rolling all the time. She is very active when Shelton plays music for her with his earbuds, and I notice she moves around quite a bit when I’m hungry and when I get into the bathtub.

Our six-week birthing class continued last week. Not sure what to make of this yet. I really feel like it’s sixty bucks wasted; all the relaxation and breathing exercises I’ve been working on for four months in yoga and I find that experience far more valuable. I think if they had someone teaching it who had delivered a baby in, oh I don’t know, the past decade, that might make a difference; she might come across a little more relatable. But it’s some quality baby-focused time for Shelton and I each week… so that part is enjoyable.

The epic bleeding saga continued last week. [Deep sigh of annoyance.] I’m pretty much over that. I mean, I thought in lieu of carrying this baby around in your gut for nine to ten months, you got to give that womanly honor up. Not me! I’m going to DO IT ALL!

We also made a trip home to OKC for my first baby shower, hosted by Shelton’s mom. It was beautiful and so much fun. No detail was missed and we had so much fun celebrating and catching up with so many of our family and friends. The 2.5 hour drive turned in to a nearly four hour drive as we had to keep stopping to walk… and eat… and pee… and walk… and pee. My back was screaming once we got to his parents house on Friday night. And then I had the most uncomfortable, painful night of attempted sleep ever! By 5am I found myself propped up in the recliner in the den, and that helped for some intermittent napping.

I also feel like I’ve started losing my mind. And I’m not joking. Shelton commented that he would like the real me back, and a friend of mine commented that he couldn’t wait for me to return to normal. I’ve suddenly become this emotional basketcase. I’m a neurotic mess that could break down into hysterical sobbing at any moment. It could be because of what someone put on my hamburger (true story) or because I was asked to send an email (true story) or because I didn’t like the “tone” in an IM (true story). I mean, give me a break here! I am not this sap! Shelton said I’ve become needy (agreed), clingy (completely agreed) and indecisive (maybe… maybe not…). It’s all true, I can see it in myself.

So, the consensus… third trimester sucks!

That’s pretty much 31 in a nutshell. We’re honing in on the home stretch here, now in the middle of week 32. I am ready… ready to be done… ready for her to be here… ready to be me again.

Pregnancy Week 30

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

I’m happy to report it was a good week! No trips to the hospital. No emergency calls to the doctor. No meltdowns. Just a normal pregnant week (meaning I was tired, with heartburn and an achy back).

With week 34 creeping up on us, relief is setting in. (This is the week our doctor has said we can safely deliver and he will not stop labor if it starts.) Not that we’re hoping we go in to labor six weeks early, but if that’s just “one more event” to add to this ever-so eventful pregnancy, we’ll feel a little more at ease at that point than we would right now.

One of the things I noticed this week is that this baby has grown. She feels heavy, where I haven’t really had that feeling before. I also feel like she’s living in my pelvis, or right at the top of my uterus. I think she likes to travel between the two locations. Because of her increased size and weight, everyday activities like say, sitting, have become terribly uncomfortable. It’s like I have a wiggly boulder in my abdomen. With this new growth, my stomach has also jutted out. I don’t seem to be expanding width-wise, but I just keep extending forward.

Shelton has always teased that I don’t know where the sides of my body are. This is probably true, considering the number of times I run in to bed posts, walls, counters, chairs, etc. With my belly jutting further out in front of me, I can’t seem to remember the new buffer zone I need around myself and I keep slamming doors in to my belly. OK, slamming sounds harsh, but they open, hit my belly and it doesn’t feel great.

Yesterday morning I woke up expecting a pretty mild Saturday. I had a lot of things around the house to take care of and had no intentions of getting out of my pajamas (pretty much a normal intention every day of the week now). Suddenly I realize Shelton is on the phone with my mother telling her to drop any plans she had for the day and that she must get me out of the house for the entire day and not return home with me for the greater part of the day. I was like, huh?! I went downstairs to get something and I was then ambushed at the top of the stairs by Shelton. He stripped off my shirt, put my bra on me, slapped deodorant under each arm and told me to get dressed and get out of here. He wouldn’t tell me why I had to leave, just that I wasn’t welcome and not to come back. So I did as I was told, honestly thinking he was cooking up some grand surprise for me. I spent the day toodling around town with my mom then called at 2:00 to ask if I could return home and was told rather rudely not to come back until dinner. So, we came up with some more ways to waste time (and money and gas). At 5:00 I received a call that I was welcome back home. I anxiously drove across town expecting to find a nice dinner, maybe something done in the baby’s room. What I found was an immaculately clean house. That husband of mine had spent eight solid hours cleaning every nook, cranny, surface and floor. It was better than a nice dinner.

I just haven’t been able to take on household tasks like I used to, or want to. Our house is by no means dirty, but a lot of the maintenance stuff has been tossed by the wayside and it’s been making me crazy! Ceiling fans are dusted. Rugs are vacuumed. Furniture is dusted. Bathrooms are scrubbed. It’s so clean and it feels so good in here.

Finally, we took our first of six birth classes this past week. I feel like this is a big waste of my time and money. (This seems to be a theme.) The class genuinely has the potential to be fun and interesting; instead, the 901 year old version of Mrs. Doubtfire is being quite successful at turning this in to a bad reenactment of my high school science class. I honestly thought Shelton and I would be kicked out no less than three times last week for erupting in laughter. The “relaxation” exercise is completely bass-ackward of anything I’ve been doing in yoga. And the hot pink crocheted uterus (I’m not kidding) used to demonstration a birth with a plastic baby through a model pelvic bone was too much… especially when it came out with an umbilical cord and a jelly fish posing as a placenta. WOW!

Mrs. Doubtfire also mentioned that this hospital, where we’re delivering, is “a pro-breastfeeding hospital and you will not find any pacifiers upstairs.” Awesome, love that I’m delivering at a hospital with an agenda. Have I mentioned before that I’d rather have my baby at the Taco Bueno than at this hospital? We’ll be bringing our own pacies with us, thank you very much, and as for my boobs, hospital administration will be told where to go if they so much as whisper their agenda to me. I plan on giving it a fair shot. I know all the benefits. I’ve read all the literature. It still sounds completely unappealing to me. However, I’m going to give it a fair shot, and who knows, I might just like it. And just like the mashed potatoes my family tried for years to shove done my throat because there’s no way I really couldn’t like them (p.s. they are my absolute LEAST favorite food and will make me vomit), I will throw back up your breastfeeding propaganda if you try to force feed it to me.

The Unique Voice of Frank Sinatra

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

In the nearly 11 years I have known my husband, I can’t recall one utterance of the words “Frank Sinatra.” He doesn’t even own a single song or CD. Frank Sinatra, for the brilliant artist he was, has never had any role in our lives.

So last week when we were lying in bed and he mentioned wanting to play Frank Sinatra for the baby I was kind of tack back. In a cliche move often depicted in movies with pregnant characters, he wanted to play music directly into my belly. I didn’t object, although I did argue very, very hard for Dave Matthews Band. We own a dozen DMB albums, danced to them at our wedding, I’ve been to five concerts – you could say we’re fans. Frank Sinatra? Well, again, not one utterance. Shelton explained that the baby needed to listen to Frank because he “has a unique voice.” I argued that most singers at the level of Frank and Dave do in fact have unique voices, that’s why they’ve made it as far as they have. Shelton shook his head adamantly stating that basically, in what I’ll call his opinion, no one has a more unique voice than Frank.

I lost. Frank and Shelton won. That night Shelton got out his iPhone, flipped to Pandora and queued up some old fashioned Sinatra. Dean Martin scrolled by, he skipped it. Ella Fitzgerald scrolled by, he skipped it. It was Frank or Bust. I’ve never witnessed anything sweeter in my life than watching my husband sit over my belly with iPhone ear buds placed on either side of my belly, nervous that the music was too loud or not quite loud enough, intently waiting for a reaction from his daughter. And she did. I tell you she kicked and punched and bounced all over that night. Which tickled him to no end.

This has become a new ritual. We’ll climb in to bed at the ripe hour of oh, 9, because I’m positively exhausted. He’ll look at me and tenderly ask, like a child wanting a treat that’s just out of reach, “is it time for Frank?”. I just giggle and nod and I swear it’s as if Christmas morning were waiting for him in the living room – he bounds out of bed and returns with his iPhone and ear buds, tunes in to the Frank Sinatra Pandora station, and watches his daughter dance.

Last night proved to be the most entertaining yet. It was one of the moments where the eruption of laughter was so hard and lasted so long that we’d completely forgotten what had initiated it. All I know is every time I started laughing deep and hard my belly would take on a completely different shape and shake, which would force us to laugh even harder.

All of this while the unique voice of Frank Sinatra bellowed in to my belly.

Week 30 OB Appointment

Monday, February 15th, 2010

Today kicked off the start of two-week appointments. We’re getting so close with only 10 weeks until our due date!

Given last week’s kidney stone incident, my appointment this morning was pretty short and sweet. I confirmed that the stone had passed and that I’m regaining my energy and feeling normal again. Dr. W just sympathetically laughed and shook his head repeating that he couldn’t believe this, on top of everything else, had happened to me. Word, doc. Word.

Baby’s heartbeat was solid, my belly measured fine and I was also thrilled to see I hadn’t gained a pound since my appointment three weeks ago. In fact, I lost about a half pound. So I’m still riding under the 160 mark and I’m glad.

Test results from my gestational diabetes screen a few weeks ago showed that all of my levels were normal. My iron is borderline but he wasn’t concerned, as long as I continue to take my prenatal vitamin.

I also got permission to return to my yoga class and to end the “vaginal rest” – my husband will be thrilled!

Other than that, I think this is officially what you call the home stretch.

Pregnancy Week 29 / The Kidney Stone Saga

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

Even if I wanted to write my typical pregnancy week-in-review post, I couldn’t. Because prior to 6 a.m. Wednesday, I have absolutely no recollection of the events that may or may not have taken place. I think my life will be forever known as Pre-Wednesday and Post-Wednesday. We are currently catching our breath in the aftermath of what was the most painful, dramatic and awful week of my entire life. And while statements I make like that can sometimes have a hint of exaggeration, I assure you that that statement is a hard, cold fact.

I was feeling OK this past week. Monday and Tuesday I complained of being a little more tired than normal, even a little queasy and a touch of not feeling well in general. So I took a long nap on Tuesday and generally took it easy and didn’t think too much of it.

Then, it happened. Wednesday morning Shelton left at an absurdly early hour, like 5:30, because he happened to wake up that early and figured he’d go in to catch up on work. I then woke up about 6:15 to go to the bathroom and then catch another two hours or so of sleep before getting up for good. At 6:16, I swear one of two things was going to happen: I was either go to collapse and die right there in our bedroom, or in that same spot in our bedroom I was going to deliver this baby. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the pain that was emanating from my abdomen, that kept me from standing up straight and made it nearly impossible to walk across the room to use the restroom. I made my way back to the bed and tried to lie down, which proved to be even more painful than trying to stand. So I got up on all fours, pushed my head in to a pillow and started bawling. Then I called Shelton and explained that I was in so much pain and he turned the car around and came home.

By 7:30 Shelton was ushering me out the door to go to the hospital, and I was bawling. The pain was like nothing I’d ever felt before, and the thought of having to fold myself into the Maxima for the 20-minute rush-hour drive to the hospital felt like more than I could bear. He called our OB, Dr. W, who advised we go directly to our delivery hospital as he didn’t know what was going on and they’d get in touch with him when they figured it out.

One of the nice things about being pregnant and going to the hospital for an emergency situation is that you get to roll directly passed the ER and right up to the labor and delivery floor. No waiting, no lines, no BS, just instant medical care. The way it should be! So that’s what we did. By the time Shelton wheeled me in to the L&D check-in, I was bawling again and barely able to stay seated in the wheelchair. They asked if I was in labor and I just shook my head and said I hope not.

They quickly put me in a bed and took a urine sample, which looked like watered down Coke, so that raised some concerns (we later learned I had blood in my urine). Then the lengthy process of taking my history and figuring out all my symptoms. A wonderful doctor came in and started interviewing me to assess what was wrong, they ran an IV line as a precaution in case it was something bad, called Dr. W, and I sat there writhing in pain. By 10 a.m. they had determined that it was most likely a kidney stone and I just sat there thinking how is this possible? Do this many bad things happen to one pregnant woman? Apparently, they do!

I was given a shot of morphine in that IV line and instantly felt like someone just wiped away all the pain. I was in la-la land and felt great for the first time that morning. I  was then taken down for a kidney ultrasound, because you can’t have a CT scan when you’re pregnant, which would have given us a much more definitive answer. The sono showed that my ureter (the tube that transfers urine, and kidney stones, from the kidney to the bladder) was not blocked. That’s really all they could see, that and my kidney was swollen. With that, they sent me home with a prescription for percoset, a filter to catch my urine and watch for a stone, instructions to drink about four liters of fluid, and instructions to come back if the pain worsened or any of a number of other symptoms presented themselves.

We returned home and I begged Shelton to stay with me as I was unsure what the day would hold. He filled my prescription and began pumping me full of Powerade and water. When the morphine started to wear off I took one percoset and went to sleep for three hours. I woke around 5:30 p.m., felt OK, but exhausted and got online to check email that I had missed that day. That would be the last calm moment we experienced for 12 hours.

Around 6:00 the pain started to creep back, so Shelton offered half a percoset. I tend to be fairly sensitive to pain medication, and given how well the whole percoset knocked me out earlier, we thought a half would take care of the pain. But we were wrong. More wrong than two people could possibly ever be. Half an hour after that percoset the pain was back in full force. No amount of sitting, laying, standing, walking would relieve it. So another half percoset. Around 7:00 I climbed in to a hot bath, and while relaxing, it didn’t take the edge off the soul-crushing pain. This was followed by another half percoset. At 8:00 Shelton asked if I were hungry, and the only thing I could fathom eating was a smoothie, so he made one, and it took me a million years to drink it in between grunts, groans and moans. Then I took another percoset. Up to two whole percosets by 8:30/9:00, I had maxed out my dosage and the pain was beyond comprehension. Shelton called the doctor back and he instructed us to go back to the hospital, take another morphine shot, and prepare to stay a day or two.

Due to our recent back/forth to the hospital I had an overnight bag already packed. So we tossed the dog into her kennel, the bag in to the car, and I rolled myself, bawling once again, in to the Maxima. We tried to hit the main entrance and take ourselves up to the L&D floor, but the main entrance was locked. Which meant ER. At 10 o’clock at night. Shelton wheeled me in and the woman asked if I were in labor. I explained that I was there earlier, had kidney stones and just needed to get to the fourth floor. Here’s where the long ranty letter to my hospital will begin, because the admissions woman was so rude and told me I basically didn’t know what I was talking about and she’d figure out what to do with me. Mind you, I’m visibly in so much pain I don’t know how I was able to even speak to her.

For FORTY FIVE MINUTES they parked my wheelchair in a hallway in the ER, taking their sweet time filling out paperwork, that had been completed 12 hours earlier. Shelton was pacing and spitting nails he was so mad, I just kept urging him to relax and let them do their jobs. Finally someone from L&D came to collect me and we were then faced with the second bullet item on my long ranty letter to the hospital. I’ve never encountered a ruder, colder more incompetent nurse in my life. For the encore, she was followed by the dumbest, most clueless, sorry excuse of a doctor I’ve ever encountered in my life. All on the night where I would have rather been run over by a dump truck than suffer through five more minutes of what I was feeling.

Again, having been there earlier in the day, and realizing this hospital in the year 2010 relies on paper records and not a single electronic health record, had to capture my entire history yet again by hand. The doctor was asking questions and checking for symptoms that made no sense. TWICE we had to ask him if had called my OB to which he replied “Oh, we’ll get to it.” Maybe you can get to it when I tear your balls off with rusty pliers and you begin to get a sense of what I’m feeling!!! We told them three, four, five times I had been there earlier, Doctor so-and-so had given me morphine, it worked, just give me more morphine now. What did doctor doofus offer? Dinner. It was eleven o’clock at night and he wanted to know if we were hungry. Ef you and your dinner, give me a mother effing shot of morphine NOW or I’m going to jump out of this window because it will feel better!

Finally, Shelton made it very clear what we were there for and they decided to stop waiting to admit me and run an IV line and just give me a regular shot in the butt of morphine. Around midnight. About 2.5 hours after we arrived at the hospital. The morphine took the edge off just enough that I was able to stop crying and lie down in the bed and relax a little, but it by no means had the same effect it had had earlier in the day and the pain was still excruciating.

Shortly thereafter a wheelchair arrived to take me to my new room, where Shelton and I would end up staying another 36 hours. The bed was super comfortable, we had a private room with a bathroom and a nurse so amazing I was devastated when her shift ended six hours later.  They ran the IV line, drew blood and at 2 a.m. delivered a second, doubled dose of morphine. Which again, had little to no effect on the pain. Shelton stood by my bed while I stepped on his toes, clenched his hands, pushed my head as deep into his chest as I could, screamed, and I tried to not think about dying. At 4 a.m. they delivered a third dose of morphine and it still had no effect on the pain.

However, I was able to finally lie down in the bed and doze in and out despite the pain. I think exhaustion had taken over and I was just broken down. Shelton snuck out to tend to the dog at home and missed the single finest moment of the entire night. At 5 a.m. the nurse returned with a shot of dilaudid, a pain medicine they hoped would actually work. She shot it into my IV and within seconds, for the first time in 12 hours, I felt relief. It worked. So well that I slept for a solid 45 minutes without crying or moaning.

Shelton returned around 6 a.m., at this point awake for more than 24 hours, and took a cat nap next to me. At 7 a.m. they returned for another dilaudid shot and shortly thereafter my OB arrived. I can’t even tell you how thrilled I was to see Dr. W. It was like the hell-on-Earth 12 hours had finally come to a close and he was there to tell me I wasn’t going to die. He told me the rest of the day they would give me dilaudid pills, that way I could prepare myself to be able to go home. The rest of the day I was in a druggy haze, moderate pain (but it was tolerable) and I was making 20-30 minute trips to the bathroom, thanks to the jug of water at my bedside and the IV drip of saline.

I was cleared to eat whatever I wanted, and took advantage of the fairly impressive menu. I didn’t have a huge appetite, but I managed to keep food on my stomach. Shelton worked most of the day and I slipped in and out of naps with frequent trips to the bathroom all day. Around 6:00 that night, they told me I could go home if I wanted and I insisted on staying. I was scared to death we’d get home, have another flare up and have to go through the hell of the ER and L&D check-in once again.

At that point I decided to start going every three hours for my pills instead of two, and I was managing just fine. At 11 that night the nurse came in to do a fetal monitor on the baby and I told her that while I was due for a pill at midnight, I wanted to try to sleep through it and I’d page her if we needed it. So I slept through it, and didn’t buzz for a pill until 2 a.m. When she returned to do the fetal monitor at 5 a.m., she asked if I was ready for another pill and I told her that I was going to pass, I felt fine. For the first time in 48 hours I was comfortable, without pain and relaxed. She also told me she’d had kidney stones at 20 weeks. So I asked her which was worse, and she said the stones were more painful than the labor.

At 7 Friday morning my OB returned to check on me. I told him that with a prescription I was ready to go home and he didn’t disagree. So they started the check-out process. At around 8 a.m. I went in to use the restroom as the nurse was finalizing my paperwork, and found the stone. It had passed. I was sorely disappointed when I saw how teeny tiny it was. For all I’d been through, I wanted it to be something I could brag about and be proud of, maybe have bronzed so I could wear it on a necklace. I just couldn’t believe something so tiny had brought me to my knees in the most unimaginable pain I’d ever been in.

Shelton brought me home, filled my prescription, and I slept the rest of the day, as did he. I think it’s worth mentioning that Shelton was awake for about 50 hours, never left my side, and took care of every whimper, request and trip to the bathroom I had. He was incredible and without him I’m certain I would have died. Throughout the entire agonizing nightmare, I was so thankful to have him there with me.

Also worth mentioning is that this baby I’m carrying is both incredibly strong and crazy. Given the narcotics cocktail I had, which they repeatedly assured me was fine for the baby, she never stopped moving. Not once. Kicking and rolling and playing the entire time. Every nurse that used the fetal monitor laughed as they literally had to hunt her down to find a heartbeat.

Another worthy mention, our friends the Amores, who swooped in and took care of our puppy while we were away. Amidst all that was going on we were so stressed over what to do with the dog and they didn’t hesitate a second to drive out to our house, pick her up, and take her not only home but to work for two days. God sends!

Friday night as Shelton and I were exhausted and ready to head to bed, a knock at the door startled us. I mean, 10 o’clock on a Friday night we don’t typically have visitors. Shelton opened the door to find my sister, sister-in-law, and niece, they’d driven five hours from Arkansas to come see us. It was the best get well surprise ever. Saturday the pain returned so I continued taking my pain pills. My sisters cooked, did laundry and helped take care of me, filling water and doing other small things. That afternoon we’d already planned to have my mom and aunts over to clean out and move the nursery to the basement and get the nursery set-up upstairs. The house was buzzing with a lot of women, and they with Shelton got our entire nursery put together. It’s beautiful and I’m loving walking in there and just looking around knowing that’s where we’re bringing our baby home.

Before this week, I didn’t know it was possible to experience pain like I did. It was brutal. I’m so grateful that it wasn’t anything more than it was, that we had a definitive conclusion and that overall I was very well taken care of by the hospital, Shelton and my doctor.

This morning we started week 30, meaning we’re at the T-minus 10 week countdown. Shelton and I are both praying it’s an uneventful 2.5 months. We can’t take any more excitement like this.