I’ve reached that point where I’ll try just about anything to get this baby out. I know my due date isn’t until Monday, but I’m early to everything and I don’t understand why my offspring can’t go ahead and start taking after me now. Shelton and I agree that we have a gut feeling this baby isn’t coming a minute before Monday; in fact, she might even be holding out to make her debut on Tuesday, Shelton’s 30th birthday. If all else fails, we’ll induce on Wednesday.

BABY GET OUT!

I’ve heard the same “wive’s tales” as you – eat Mexican food, stimulate your nipples, have sex, vacuum, etc. I’ve done most of those things, several times, I’m still pregnant. In fact, In December I was so excited because we bought a new vacuum and ditched the one we’ve had for eight years that made the house smell like old macaroni and cheese when you used it. I would actually not vacuum before guests came over because the dirty floor was better than the stench. That beast is gone. Right as we were buying this new vacuum, my bleeding took off again and I was advised not to touch the vacuum because it could send me in to labor. Clearly I’m old and have no life because I was so broken hearted that I could use my new vacuum. But last night, I whipped that thing out and vacuumed the entire living room and dining room. I even considered riding on it and letting Shelton push it. I’m still pregnant.

For the first time all week I lifted the “bed rest” and felt good enough to get out of these slowly-shrinking four walls. We walked through a number of places, and went to have dinner. I’m still pregnant.

I’m not sure what it’s going to take. I haven’t had a contraction in days. That’s YEARS in pregnancy. That means I will be pregnant FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. At some point I’m going to have a kindergartner residing in my belly and I’ll have to swallow toothpaste so that she can brush her mouth full of teeth.

So I googled “induce labor” and figured I’d try a few more safe homemade ways to kick this baby in to gear. And I found, what I’m calling, a fairly humorous lists of suggestions for inducing labor – this from eHow. I mean, I couldn’t get past her first bullet without laughing:

The most effective simple exercise I did was going up stairs two at a time. It opens the pelvis and puts pressure in all the right places. I think this was the only reason that my second baby was born.

Really?? The ONLY REASON your baby was born because you took stairs two at a time? Hmm, pretty sure SOMETHING would have intervened if your rockin’ stair climbing ability hadn’t done the job. (PS I climbed four flights of stairs at a parking garage the other night… still pregnant. Guess I should have gone two at a time and I could have had her right there by the elevator.)

From her bullet number five:

Look into your honey’s eyes and lead him to the bedroom. Yes, this may sound absurd, but orgasm and sex can trigger contractions. To put it crudely, what got the baby in, can get the baby out.

Well, sex didn’t put her in there so sex isn’t going to get her out.

I had to stop reading after bullet number 12 because it got completely absurd. Why would anyone recommend this? First of all, talk about the world’s worst tasting chocolate soda (as if those things could taste any worse). I’ve never understood how the digestive system has any affect on the reproductive system.

You need a tall glass of root beer, 4 oz of castor oil, and Hershey’s syrup.

For now, I’m sitting on my yoga ball doing hip circles and bouncing, a little bit. My sister suggested sitting on the washer with a lop-sided load… that could take care of TWO needs. Maybe I’ll strip the bed tomorrow. And vacuum the living room again while I eat raw jalapenos.