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Last Night Was a Nightmare

Friday, April 9th, 2010

I didn’t have any, I don’t think I slept well enough to do that. Instead, we lived the nightmare. One minor, not so much a nightmare but more like a “please just wake up now.” The other, a nightmare in every sense of the word.

I had a little energy stored up and a crucial need to just get out of the house, so I left Shelton here to work on homework and headed out to run a few errands. Less than a mile from home, I’m cruising down the road taking in a gorgeous spring evening. You know, windows and sunroof down, jams playing, just cruising along. When I realize my cruise is above the legal limit and the cop perched ahead is going to pull me over. And he did. And I immediately start crying. I’ve never cried in front of a cop in my life. But the hormones, they do what they want to do and I just have to sit back and let them. So I give him my license and insurance and he goes back to his car. He comes back and hands me a ticket. WHAT KIND OF COP GIVES A CRYING NINE-MONTHS PREGNANT WOMAN A TICKET?!?!

So I come home sobbing and Shelton leaps off the couch because all he can hear are my sniffles and starts going “no no no no no” and I couldn’t catch my breath to talk but I’m waving him down to suggest that no, I’m not in labor, I’m just a felon. I finally let him know that I got a ticket and he starts laughing and reassuring me that it’s not a big deal. Well, I’ve got $110 worth of no big deal! By that point I was starving so he consoled me with Abuelos. Yum.

We come home at 9:30 with bellies full of Mexican food and I’m already popping Tums (aka pregnancy candy) because I know what I’m in for during the night. Only, I didn’t know what I was in for. Because what happened last night has never happened to me ever in my entire life.

At 1:3o a.m. I bolted from a deep sleep, upright in bed gasping for air. I literally could not breathe. My lungs felt as if they were full of hot lava. Every few seconds I’d manage to gasp and catch a little air, and then all I was able to do was belch it out, one slow, tiny belch at a time. And then another very tiny worthless gasp of air. I was choking, coughing, burping and straining for every ounce of air I could grab. Shelton is of course awake now and freaking out. He kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn’t breathe, much less explain to him what was happening. And frankly, I had no idea what was happening to explain it. Without trying to be a drama queen and overexaggerate the situation, I’m telling you, I literally couldn’t breathe and I was certain that I might just die.

I’ve never been more frightened than I was last night. For all I know, that is what suffocating feels like and it was horrid. I made my way into the bathroom so I could hover over the sink and I got sick. So now I’m choking, coughing, burping and throwing up all with teaspoons of air. Finally, FINALLY, I was able to take a real breath and I swear had it not taken at that moment I was going to have Shelton call an ambulance.

It took 30 minutes to finally get back to being able to breathe fairly normally, and even that was interrupted with some pretty horrendous coughing. I was scared to death to lie back down. My best guess of what happened is that I had such bad reflux last night that I managed to choke on the acid. As in, inhaled in to my lungs and then nearly died trying to get it all out. I’m no doctor, but that’s what makes sense to me. I kept my head propped up and managed to drift back to sleep.

Today I’m exhausted. My stomach has been a bit queasy all day and my chest and throat hurt. But otherwise I’m fine.

So see, it was nightmare on our street last night!

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Pregnancy Week 36

Sunday, April 4th, 2010

I feel like I should start these now with – No Baby! Every time I call someone these days there’s a suspicious tone in their voice until I clarify that I’m calling to ask some mundane question about a recipe and not letting them know I’m in labor. So I figured I’d extend that courtesy here.

Week 36 was all and all not too bad. I started the week with an OB visit; I was under the impression I’d be having my first exam, but instead I just had the strep B test. I was so anxious to have the exam to see how she’s positioned and if I were dilated at all. But, he sent me home. I was thinking “Dude, my pants are off, I’m on the table, just take a look!”. I go back tomorrow for the first exam and hopefully, HOPEFULLY, we’ll hear some news in the form of little centimeters.

I keep joking that I hope he tells me I’m at a 5; truth is I need to at least get through this week before any labor signs show. There’s a lot of handing off of projects and the completion of several other projects that needs to, has to, take place this week and I swear to all things holy the type A personality in me will lose her mind if I can’t mark everything off my to-do list this week. Then, bring on the maternity leave. (She says rather hesitantly, with an ever-growing ulcer.)

For as achy, slow and tired as I’ve felt for weeks, I actually felt pretty good this week. In fact, Shelton commented a few times during outings that he felt like he was trying to keep up with me and that I was walking faster and lighter than I had in a while. They were fleeting moments, but celebrated nonetheless.

A strange little event occurred last Sunday morning, just as week 36 was kicking off. I realized my colostrum had come in. I sent my sister a text message that asked what the yellow liquid was and added a colorful WTF! I knew what it was but needed confirmation. I had no idea it would come in this early. She shrugged it off. My doctor shrugged it off. I was 110 percent certain I meant I was going to have the baby ANY MINUTE! But it’s been several minutes since last Sunday and there’s no baby.

By now I expected that this baby’s movements would have slowed down, but they haven’t. At all. Since this kid started moving in December she hasn’t stopped. Even in the face of the narcotics cocktail I enjoyed to get through the kidney stone she never stopped moving. So as she continues to grow and the space in my abdomen is officially full, she manages to wiggle-squirm her way around as if she had all the room in the world. My uneducated guess is that she’s head down, given that I feel like it’s her little hiney constantly pressing into my ribs. I also think that her hands are close to my bladder and she’s literally flicking it with her little fingers. It’s the most awkward sensation and I don’t care for it.

One sensation I don’t mind so much and actually find to be pretty cute are her hiccups. She usually has a round in the morning and one in the evening. Sometimes they are so hard I can watch my entire stomach move with the beat. Poor thing! I just want to tell her to turn upside down and hold her breath! Count to 10! Maybe try to scare her.

My glider is currently en route. I’m going to have to write a separate post about this explaining why Babies R Us is dead to me (DEAD!!) and why Target is awesome. Once this piece of furniture is in place, the nursery will be complete. I’m thrilled! But also bored. I’ve nested myself in to boredom. There’s nothing else to wash, fold, arrange or organize in that room. We’re just waiting for her.

Tags: pregnancy milestones, pregnancy week by week
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Pregnancy Week 35

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Hmm. It appears I completely glossed over doing a week 34 update. For being the only week I’ve missed in this pregnancy, I’d say I’m doing pretty well. I did make a couple of updates that week:

Nesting

The Car Seat

As for week 35. Big exhale! We made it! Our OB told us early on that week 35 was the “safety circle” and if I went early, at this point he wouldn’t do anything to stop the labor because the baby would be developed and healthy enough to deliver. So hard to believe, 35 weeks; how far we’ve come, and yet it’s literally been a blink in time. I’m sure the first 35 weeks of her life will blast past us even more quickly. Part of me needs and wants all of this to slow down, and the other half of me is saying “Are you nuts! Let’s do this!”.

The “I’m dones” have begun. I’m tired, achy, emotional and ready to just meet this little person. I cry every single day. Sometimes it’s a weepy cry, and other times it’s an all out hysterical, sobbing breakdown. It can be brought on by a Kanye West song in the car (no joke), the wrong answer to a question from Shelton, an ache or pain, or simply because. Just because. My mom’s favorite answer to any question!

I’m taking hot baths nearly every single night because my back, hips, thighs and abdomen are so sore and achy that it helps put my muscles at ease before I go in for the long, restless, attempted night of sleep. Shelton generously offers a back rub most nights of the week and I’ve yet to turn him down. One of the things that’s been helping me to fall asleep is he’ll lay behind me on my side of the bed until I crash. I’ve been criticized (and completely agree) of having become more clingy, so these extra few minutes together are so calming and I’m able to drift to sleep for a few hours. Once the middle of the night bathroom runs and achy hips start, it’s pretty much over. I wake up anywhere between 2a.m. and 6a.m. and I’m pretty much up at that point. It’s incredibly frustrating, not to mention exhausting. It’s easier to get up than fight the bed and the muscles and the positions for comfort and REM cycles. I’m mildly appreciative of the insomnia because I’m only going to have to get more used to it in the coming weeks.

My body is a constantly evolving science project that amazes the both of us. The size, shape and feel of my belly seems to change almost daily and I can’t help but take notice and constantly comment. I’ve nicknamed myself The Moose, even though I’ve really only gained a meager 28 pounds. My breasts are worth 10 posts all by themselves. I’ve always had a sizable set, I started as a smaller D. When Shelton and I look at pictures of me from last summer I swear it looks as though I’ve yet to hit puberty and that training bra is more for show than function. The comparison of then to now is striking and yet another thing I know is only just getting started. The DD nursing bras I bought I’m fearful aren’t going to be anywhere near enough.

We graduated birth class this past week. People call it a waste of time but I’m telling you that we found it to be very valuable. There’s so much you assume you know, and you quickly learn there’s a hell of a lot that you don’t know. I didn’t retain all of it, I have no idea what’s supposed to happen at these different stages. But I do know that when I’m in the throes of labor and something comes up it will all be very familiar and I won’t feel like I’m being blindsided. I also found it to be very helpful to get Shelton caught up on anatomy and the logistics of what’s going to happen and I know that will make him an even better source of support during the labor.

The nursery is also done. Done!!! It took us for-ev-er to get started but it’s now a room that’s only missing a baby. It’s beautiful, too! We’ve been so blessed and so fortunate to receive so many generous gifts, and so we have received everything from butt paste to the crib. Monetary gifts allowed us to pick out a gorgeous dresser (Shelton calls it a chest of drawers) and we were so thrilled that our eyes didn’t deceive us and the color is a near spot-on match for the crib. We also had a small bookshelf we moved in to the room that matched the cherry finish. Shelton woke up yesterday and said “Who the hell is staying with us and why did they bring all their baby crap with them?”. I just laughed as we both realized how quickly this house is turning in to one that can accommodate all three of us.

Tags: pregnancy symptoms, pregnancy week by week
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Pregnancy Week 33

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

For all the times in my life I’ve whined about being tired, I take it back. Because prior to now I had no idea what I was talking about. And I know (I know… I know…) that two months from now I’ll probably be able to echo that sentiment when Shelton and I are slogging through our days with one eye open running on two hours of sleep and desperately trying to remember what it feels like to actually enjoy a REM cycle.

I think that’s my biggest take away from week 33 – just exhaustion. It’s not from lack of trying. I’m averaging about 10 hours of sleep each night. It’s not enough. I have to beg myself to get out of bed in the morning, by noon I’m ready for a nap (and sometimes I take one) and by the time we’ve eaten dinner it’s all I can do to make it through the next couple of hours.

Last week was also another long episode of neurotic Brandi. I swear if I don’t cry at least once a day then I haven’t lived up to my potential. Sometimes it’s just a few tears; usually it’s an all-out hysterical break down with ugly-cry sobbing that results in swollen eyes and copious amounts of snot. I think I can use this to my advantage when the baby starts crying and won’t stop. I can say “You think you can cry? Oh, I’ll show you how to cry.” And then we’ll both sit in the closet alone together crying until Shelton comes home to save us from ourselves.

What is that you’re reading between the lines? Oh yeah, it’s anxiety. We’ve got a little bit of that up in here, too. You know, just for good measure. Sheesh! I’m ready, I am SO ready for this baby girl to get here. I want to see what she looks like and hold her and finally start this circus act we signed ourselves up for. At the same time, I think someone should step in. I feel in no way prepared to take this on. I mean, we don’t even own a car seat people, how am I supposed to be expected to teach her how to tie her shoes and do simple math. I can’t even do simple math!! (i.e. this is a blog with words, not numbers.) The anxiety comes in waves and it do-si-dos its way in and out with the excitement. It’s like an emotional tornado with the warm air from one mixing with the cool air of another and then it rips the roof right off of our sanity.

We attended the fourth of six birth classes. These are a trip. The lady teaching is a riot, and not because she tries to be. The birthing videos via VHS tape are rather entertaining, as are the scrapbooked posters illustrating the birth processes. This past week was the c-section video and I thought Shelton and I were both going to lose our dinner. We’re squeemish people. And while I can appreciate that sometimes a woman’s abdomen needs to be cut open and a baby removed from the inside, I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to watch my own (God willing we won’t have one) and I don’t want to watch someone else’s. I also find the relaxation exercises to be rather comical because they are broken variations of the yoga I’ve been doing since the start of my second trimester. All I can do is sit there and think “That’s not how you breathe.” “That’s not how you should do a pelvic tilt.” “That’s definitely not how you should meditate.” I’m no expert, but I just want to scream out and tell the other three women in our class not to do it and to meet me at yoga Monday instead.

We were able this past weekend to truly celebrate what’s about to happen as our house was infiltrated by most of my dearest friends and family for the last of our three baby showers. This house was positively buzzing all weekend with a lot of laughing, a lot of playing and a lot of just catching up. It was a gorgeous shower organized by my sister and co-hosted by several women who I count my lucky stars to know and love. We’re feeling a lot more prepared now as the nursery is starting to burst at the seams with diapers, clothes, boppies, bottles, bibs, and even a fish-net-turned-bathtub-floater-remover. We couldn’t be more grateful for all of the gifts and the help in turning our little home into a baby-friendly zone. This weekend Shelton and I plan to sit down and take inventory of what we’ve got, what we need and put those gift cards to good use and buy those final necessities. Like a car seat. And Cabernet.

Tags: pregnancy symptoms, pregnancy week by week
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Pregnancy Week 32

Monday, March 8th, 2010

Week 32 will be remembered fondly simply because there won’t be anything to remember. There was no medical intervention. (I did have a check-up but it was completely uneventful). There were no strange illnesses, aches, pains or other. It was just about as “normal” as we get around here.

The back aches? Yes, they continued. The heartburn, there was some, but I don’t think I’ve reached for one of the five bottles of Tums I keep stashed everywhere in a few days. The bleeding? Well, that’s a dumb question, of course there was. The insomnia, achy, sleepless nights? Heck yes!

But for some reason, all of it felt manageable last week. Probably because it wasn’t compounded with a host of other problems.

I’m feeling bigger, so much bigger! At my check-up I measured 32cm, which is spot-on where I should be. I can’t imagine seven more weeks of growth. God help me! I’ve nicknamed myself “the moose.” I know I’m small, I’ve barely gained 30 pounds; 35 pounds is the recommended pregnancy weight gain. So I’m doing well. From behind, you’d never know I’m pregnant. But that doesn’t keep me from constantly slamming doors into my stomach b/c I have no grasp of how far out I now extend. My breasts have reached an unfathomable size. Short of those crazies on Jerry Springer with the breasts that look like yoga balls, I didn’t know it was possible for anything like this to appear in nature. This, I could live without. I want my Ds back.

The baby started getting hiccups this past week. That or the very white rythemless genes her father and I gave her mutated and she’s jammin’ away in there. It’s kind of funny the first five or six times I feel it thump, and then I’m like, “hold your head upside down, take a deep breath and drink some water”. In other words “stop!”. I’ve tried scaring here but that doesn’t seem to work either.

I continue to be an emotional train wreck and neither Shelton nor myself wants to live with me anymore. Last night as we were falling asleep I tried to celebrate a small victory that I hadn’t shed a tear in 24 hours… and then Shelton reminded me that I cried that morning in the kitchen. Well, I guess a 12 hour victory is still a victory.

We took our third of six birth classes. These are mildly (OK, incredibly) entertaining. The videos are so old and all of the delivering patients seem like 17-year-olds they would have found at the free clinic. I liked this one most because we spent the second hour touring the birthing center. We got to see the delivery room and the postpartum room (which I’ve had to stop calling the after birth room, sounds terrible!). We held forceps and I was COMPLETELY freaked out by the idea of the internal monitor. They want to STICK this wire into my unborn baby’s head. Hell no. So I feel better knowing where we’re headed when this little darling decides to make her debut.

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Pregnancy Week 31

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

I suppose I owe you nice folks a weekly update, don’t I? Sheesh! I am just swimming at work and can’t seem to find time to take a deep breath. So I’m going to squeeze this in. This is about all the “squeezing” I can afford because nothing on my body squeezes anymore. It stretches. How do I know? Oh – I found stretch marks this past week! UGH! Shoot me. Please spare me the cocoa butter propaganda. I’ve tried two different brands and it smells so horrible that I cannot put it on my body. It’s like walking around smelling like a Hershey bar or something. So, I guess this is my fate. Stretch mark mama. Maybe I’ll get some new tattoos to cover them up.

From what I can remember, and that’s very little these days, last week was more or less OK. I’m feeling very first-trimester again in that no amount of sleep is good enough. 10 hours? Not enough. 12 hours? Not enough. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

One of the big changes I’ve noticed is the baby’s weight. I can actually feel how heavy she is in my abdomen, which is interesting. She’s heavy! And speaking of abdomen, it continues to grow outward instead of to the sides, so that’s a plus. She’s still just as active as ever, kicking and rolling all the time. She is very active when Shelton plays music for her with his earbuds, and I notice she moves around quite a bit when I’m hungry and when I get into the bathtub.

Our six-week birthing class continued last week. Not sure what to make of this yet. I really feel like it’s sixty bucks wasted; all the relaxation and breathing exercises I’ve been working on for four months in yoga and I find that experience far more valuable. I think if they had someone teaching it who had delivered a baby in, oh I don’t know, the past decade, that might make a difference; she might come across a little more relatable. But it’s some quality baby-focused time for Shelton and I each week… so that part is enjoyable.

The epic bleeding saga continued last week. [Deep sigh of annoyance.] I’m pretty much over that. I mean, I thought in lieu of carrying this baby around in your gut for nine to ten months, you got to give that womanly honor up. Not me! I’m going to DO IT ALL!

We also made a trip home to OKC for my first baby shower, hosted by Shelton’s mom. It was beautiful and so much fun. No detail was missed and we had so much fun celebrating and catching up with so many of our family and friends. The 2.5 hour drive turned in to a nearly four hour drive as we had to keep stopping to walk… and eat… and pee… and walk… and pee. My back was screaming once we got to his parents house on Friday night. And then I had the most uncomfortable, painful night of attempted sleep ever! By 5am I found myself propped up in the recliner in the den, and that helped for some intermittent napping.

I also feel like I’ve started losing my mind. And I’m not joking. Shelton commented that he would like the real me back, and a friend of mine commented that he couldn’t wait for me to return to normal. I’ve suddenly become this emotional basketcase. I’m a neurotic mess that could break down into hysterical sobbing at any moment. It could be because of what someone put on my hamburger (true story) or because I was asked to send an email (true story) or because I didn’t like the “tone” in an IM (true story). I mean, give me a break here! I am not this sap! Shelton said I’ve become needy (agreed), clingy (completely agreed) and indecisive (maybe… maybe not…). It’s all true, I can see it in myself.

So, the consensus… third trimester sucks!

That’s pretty much 31 in a nutshell. We’re honing in on the home stretch here, now in the middle of week 32. I am ready… ready to be done… ready for her to be here… ready to be me again.

Tags: pregnancy symptoms, pregnancy travel, pregnancy week by week
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