This morning was our first ultrasound and I can tell you with all certainty that Shelton and I were far more nervous and anxious about this appointment than we were the pregnancy test. I didn’t even want to talk this morning; and Shelton kept doing it! I was just a ball of nerves and when they called our name to go back I thought I was going to lose my breakfast right there in the waiting room.
I was taken back and weighed – 138 pounds. This is up about six from when we started the IVF two months ago. We did my blood pressure and made witty small talk about how last night I told Shelton that if he didn’t come home with a chocolate chip cookie he shouldn’t come home at all. (He slept here last night!) Then I was left to undress from the waist down and prepare for my ultrasound. (This is vaginally – not goop all over the belly.)
The doctor came in and asked how I’ve been feeling. I told him and he said welcome to pregnancy! Had a nice ring to it. Then we started the ultrasound and within seconds he pointed on the screen to my uterus and the one “pregnancy sack” on the screen. Our baby!!! Just the one. No twins. Or octo-babies. A single baby measuring 5mm (.19″), with the tiniest little heartbeat fluttering so fast a hummingbird would feel inadequate. We heard the heartbeat and saw the little flicker at 105 beats/minute. Pretty amazing!
Everyone talks about this emotional moment the first time you hear the heartbeat. But neither of us had it. Are we broken? I don’t think so. Honestly, there was so much anxiety going in to this appointment, I think we both were completely confident we were going to hear “twins,” and then we didn’t and that’s pretty much all we could focus on. So while I was completely impressed with the fact that this minute being had a heartbeat and thought it was beautiful to hear it, my head was elsewhere.
Dr. T said our pregnancy is on track so far and looks healthy and viable. YAY!!!
We scheduled a follow-up sonogram for two weeks from now and left with a few tiny sonogram pics.
Shelton and I had a little embrace outside and assured one another we were OK. I dropped him off at work and as soon as I put the car in reverse I started sobbing. I felt like I’d lost something I’d never had. And the harder I cried over not having a second baby, the more I’d cry for feeling guilty that I wasn’t acting grateful for the one I do have. What a friggin’ mess! It was just this adrenaline crash and overwhelming bittersweet feeling. We’re disappointed. And thrilled. All at the same time. Part of me feels like I’d feel like this if I’d heard twins, too.
I’m over the moon that we have a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy. This baby is going to make us parents and change our lives in ways we can’t even see yet.