Addicted
Monday, June 09, 2008
I love Jon & Kate Plus 8! I get so excited when I find one of those hours-long marathons on TLC. I like to call it “research”! LOL! If you haven’t seen it, it’s this amazing couple named Jon & Kate. They did IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) to have a set of twins and then a few years later a set of sextuplets. They are only a few years older than we are, so it’sinteresting to watch someone who was our age, maybe younger, when they were going through this too. They succeeded!
Their eight children are beautiful and funny and just bursting with life. They make me smile and laugh and I so thank them for sharing their family. It’s probably not right, but I have favorites. Shelton refuses to watch. If and when he watches TV, he prefers things like that 5 minute segment at the end of CBS Sunday Morning where they show the nature scenes. That’s the opposite of a house with eight children.
If you haven’t watched it, make some time to do so. It’s just a fun little baby-filled treat!
I’ve probably gone and said too much
Friday, May 23, 2008
I’ve hesitated to write this post for a while because of my concern for who may be reading this site. Even on my personal blog I’ve always been careful not to call people out or talk about certain topics as I’d never want to offend or damage relationships. But since I was a kid, and even more so now, writing has been therapy for me. My family jokes that if you get a “letter” from Brandi, you know you’ve struck a nerve. Some people drink, some people talk about it, some people bake, I don’t know… I write. Being able to chronicle this experience was a major motivator in starting Baby or Bust, and while I don’t update as often as maybe I should, it’s like a good friend and I always know it’s here when I need it. Something has been eating at me and I need to visit my cyber shrink.
I thank all the people who wandered here from someplace on the Web and have found comfort in what I write. It’s incredibly flattering and, just when I think I’m talking into thin air, I get emails like the ones from Andrea and Heather tonight who remind me that maybe this might be a little bigger than my personal shrink session!
So, the point. I talk on here a lot about feelings of jealousy. I think it’s an emotion that any infertile woman has to become very familiar with. I’ve never been the jealous type. I’ll say I’m actually quite proud of myself for the way I’ve managed my feelings and emotions during the past two-plus years, as more and more people have babies. I haven’t become bitter or angry, I’ve accepted the situation for what it is and dealt with it the best way my husband and I know how. My random twinges of jealousy I would hope no one ever sees as I work through it on my own.
Someone rather close to us is having a baby soon. And as horrid as this is to say, this someone just isn’t ready. It’s not supposed to be their turn. It’s not supposed to happen this way. And yet, my “bigger” self is forced to slap on a smile and coo and ahh and make sweet baby small talk as we count down the weeks. For the first time, I was confronted with the baby bump this weekend. It made the situation all the more real and all the more painful. I have the hardest time being happy for them. It’s really the only time that bitter-Brandi has shown up and, again, I feel terrible saying this, but I almost feel justified. I don’t feel like apologizing for the way I feel. I don’t feel like I need or have to explain myself. And frankly I don’t want to.
I’ve sat in my bathtub alone and bawled just hoping maybe it would wash all of this away. When does that ever work? I’ve curled into my husband’s arms and cried some of the hardest cries my eyes can muster and just screamed out loud - and he is a constant source of unwaivering support. I’m disappointed and hurt and sad. Everyone is celebrating, picking out names, registering for gifts and doing all the things that expecting parents do. I can barely look them in the eye or be in the same room, much less cheer on sonogram stories and frilly baby blankets.
Oh whoa is me, I’m being a big whiner. I’m not a fan of whining, but I here I sit wallowing in a big pile of pity and whine. Wish it were more like cheese and wine. It’s an incredibly strange position I find myself in because I in no way want to cause damage to this very special relationship, but at the same time, I don’t know how to be the support and positivity that they need. I feel that without saying, they know how I feel. Yet, I have to wonder if they’ve ever even considered it. They didn’t do this “to” me.
I know this post is like some twisted, vague maze. I wish I could talk more specifically just so that it makes sense. Anyone who knows me well at all knows that I don’t dance around many issues. I cut to the chase, tell it like it is and sometimes people don’t like what I have to say. My husband has been a good, or bad, influence, depending on how you look at it, and during the past 7-ish years together he’s taught me to not say everything I’m thinking outloud. I feel a little better in that I’ve said my peace… for now. If certain people are reading this and you’re not sure how to take this- know that I love you so much and hope that we can each put on our big-kid panties and talk about it.
Feels like the first time
Friday, May 16, 2008
I was having lunch yesterday with a friend. Our paths cross occasionally and it’s always nice to catch up. She politely asked how things were going with BabyorBust and I got her up to speed on the site and our plans. She then told me that she and her husband had just found out the day before that due to male-factor, they were finding themselves in this infertility boat. I always hate hearing that. It’s like, ugh!, why one more?!
She and her husband are about the same age we are, so I’m glad they were able to catch this now instead of even five or ten years down the road. I feel like the options play to your favor a bit more when you’re younger. I’m already freaked out that my boobs are going to sag and I found my first wrinkle… let’s not talk about what else happens after I turn 30!
I told Shelton last night that it was just a really interesting conversation. Most times when I talk with a fellow infertile they’re as experienced as I am, if not more so. All of the things she was saying, the feelings, emotions, confusion- it was like hearing an echo of myself two-and-a-half years ago. I mean, almost verbatim. She was explaining to her husband that “he” isn’t infertile or the problem, “they” are. I’ve had this conversation with Shelton so many times. “We” as a unit are not able to have children. There’s no I or You or Me.
I invited her to visit the site and read some of the earlier blogs, suggested a book, compared notes on the doctors and hopefully made her feel like that chaos going on in her head is justified and normal. I told her that I cry every single time I’m in a Babies R Us and how babies shower are quite possibly one of the hardest things in the world to go to. It was also rather reassuring to hear her saying and feeling the same things I had at that time.
I do wish them so much luck and hope that this process is as painless as possible.
A choice in gender
Friday, May 02, 2008
In some twisted way it might be kind of fun to determine the sex of your children. Then again, I often complain that for those of us doing IVF, the romance and mystery of having a baby has been stripped away. At this point, we’re just lab rats.
BUT- this new study from Oxford suggests that a woman’s diet basically makes her “crave” a male or female sperm. In theory, suggesting that she could ultimately choose a boy or a girl. The whole thing sounds a bit suspect to me- but you are of course welcome to see for yourself.
Irony
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Today, my doctor gave me a prescription for birth control. Alanis Morrissette never spoke truer words as she did on Jagged Little Pill- “A little too ironic… don’t ya think?”.
It’s a necessary evil. Birth control is just as effective at, well, controlling birth, as it is regulating hormones. Mine are jacked right now. I’m having long periods with weeks of spotting in between. It has been months and months and months of this nonsense and I’m pretty much over it.
I thought it had something to do with my ovarian cysts, but he assured me one has nothing to do with the other. We’re going to try it for four months and then stop using it. Hopefully that will hit some sort of period reset button.
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