A couple of days after Christmas will mark one year since Shelton and I found out we were not going to be able to have a baby without the assistance of IVF. One whole year. It’s so small and yet it feels like a lifetime. I can remember the Christmas before that, in 2004, telling family over the phone that by the next Christmas I’d have a huge belly to celebrate with. We’re now approaching one more Christmas and while my belly might be a little bigger, it’s not for the right reason at all.
The past few days I’ve been feeling really down again and I haven’t been this sad since we first started. I think it’s a culmination of so many things, but this constant desire to be a mom never fades and makes it so easy for me to slip back.
Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love the cold and the lights, the food and giving gifts, I love Christmas cards, I love how it brings people together. And I just can’t get into it this year. Christmas is less than three weeks away and I have not put the tree up and at this point I don’t plan to. For the first time in five years there are no lights on my house. I did get all of our cards out. And while there are so many reasons that are making this season tougher than most, but I think a lot of it comes back to our infertility.
I get the biggest joy out of giving gifts. And it’s not the material item wrapped up, it’s the joy that person shows when they receive the gift. But this year, there are no gifts. Shelton and had a long, hard discussion months ago and decided that we just couldn’t afford to sacrifice a Christmas budget this year. Probably for the better because I usually go overboard!! We also asked that we not receive any gifts this Christmas- we figured we already have so much, the one thing we want is a baby, and they could donate the money they would have spent on a sweater or picture frame.
Our family was blessed with the arrival of another new member this week… a little girl. She is beautiful and went home to the most AMAZING people who will make AMAZING parents. I can’t help but be so jealous of the excitement that is in their lives right now, and that they will experience on Christmas morning.
We’ve invited all of the family to our house for Christmas dinner and hosting them here will be both our gift from them and to them. And I’m going to get all the joy I can from that, and thank God for the many blessings I do have, and not the ones I feel I’m lacking.